The Gift of Presence
I was trying to think back on Christmas last year and remember what gifts I gave my loved ones. I look around my home and notice the Barbie and Lego playsets are all missing pieces and are currently stuffed in some bin alongside toys that are either broken or boring now. I know that’s just how it goes, but it also makes me want more for this years gift giving. Don’t get me wrong, my husband and I will still get things off their Christmas lists, but have you ever stopped to think about what isn’t on that list?
What do my loved ones want from me that they would never write down, but deeply long for? This is a tough question. Not because I don’t know the answer, but because I do. It's much deeper than the tangible gift on their list. I believe that the gift my loved ones would want is for me to be fully present when I am with them. You have heard it said, "they desire presence not presents” and it really is so true.
I am reading a book called “High Performance Habits” and the first chapter is about the habit of clarity and the importance of getting a crystal clear grasp on what it is you really want. The author took the readers through an exercise that I would encourage all of you to do. First, write down the names of 7-10 people that matter most to you. Then write down all the things that you would want them to remember about you. I wrote things like “that I loved Jesus, His word and the church, that I loved them, was their biggest cheerleader, spoke life into them, was there for them and believed they could do anything”. Lastly, he had us write down our last few interactions with these people that matter to us. Did the interactions we had with them line up with what we want them to remember about us?
This exercise was a kick in the gut for me, but I am so glad I did it. I can say that I want something, but if I don’t implement daily actions that support that then it ain’t happening – yep I said ain’t. What I found is that to become those things I long to be, requires me to plan better and intentionally have key times where I am fully present. This requires me to be fully engaged, physically and consciously there, and putting the phone down. One practical discipline that works best for me is to write down and prioritize all the things I need to get done and put them on my calendar. That way when I am talking to someone I can be fully there and not worried about when I am going to get everything done. I also have found that the two key times my school aged kids need my attention most and are most ready to talk are right after school / after cheer practice and at bedtime. So I have learned to make it a point to not be on my phone or multi tasking while talking with them, even if it’s for just a few minutes. Just to stop and be present with them.
One of the greatest gifts I can give to my husband, my kiddos, my friends, etc is to not only be present but also to show up with joy, curiosity and care. When I am fully present I am there for them. It doesn’t matter how I was before I showed up, because once I do and I am fully present, it becomes all about them. It’s not about me. It is a conscious decision to be all the way there in that moment, locking eyes, smiling, setting aside anything or anyone else (knowing it can be picked up again in a bit) because this moment is fleeting.
I so appreciate the couple of people that I have in my life that are good at this. They aren’t looking at their phone or apple watch every time a text comes in. They aren’t easily distracted by their thoughts or the environment we are in. They are really listening and they ask me questions because they want to know more and understand better. They don’t feel the need to give tons of advice, but recognize that I just need to be heard. Sometimes the ones that I really trust are willing to just be there when there’s not even much to say. I feel so valued and cared for by them after spending some time together. That’s what I long to be for others.
When I am fully present I am more aware. I see things I didn’t see before. I notice. I hear. Which then leads me to affirm, encourage and cheer others on. I am more likely to remember what they said and check on them later. If nothing else, because I was fully present, I learned more about them and it opened the door for a more meaningful interaction with them. More meaningful and positive interactions over time, produce a stronger and deeper relationship.
My Presence. That is one gift I would like to give this Christmas. How about you? Sure the new gadget or Lego set would be a lot easier, but we all know where those will be by next Christmas. So here’s to you and I and to a December filled with moments where we can be fully present for our loved ones.