A few nights ago I was having a rough time.  My heart was heavy and I could feel the lump in the back of my throat developing as the evening hours passed by. The feeling was right there begging to break through. Tears welled up a few times, but I wasn’t ready to give in and embrace it.  So I wiped my eyes and pushed the thoughts and emotions to the back of my mind until I could get my kiddos settled in bed.  

To be honest what I wanted to do was turn on Netflix, scroll on Facebook, or even just put my focus on cleaning the kitchen (which my husband probably would have appreciated lol).  All of those things would have been so much easier then looking inward, asking some honest questions and working to expose what was going on in my heart and mind.  

I hate to admit it, but I have gotten into a bad routine of numbing out, ignoring my emotions and hiding myself in things I “need” to do or masking it with a façade that everything is fine.  Honestly, I thought I was doing everyone a favor and just choosing joy -- except when something small would happen and anything but joy would spill out on everyone I care about.  I didn’t realize how much I was doing it until a conversation with a friend recently revealed that I had been stuffing and holding in a lot of things…. like years worth of things.  

Honestly, I was surprised to realize this.  I am typically a very authentic, vulnerable person.  I would even consider myself a classic oversharer haha.  Me a stuffer?! What?! No!  And yet it’s true.  I have been thinking about this all week.  For awhile now my times with the Lord have been filled with reading, study and meditation, but somewhere along the way I stopped journaling.  My prayers used to be loud and long, but lately have been short and quiet.  I pray throughout the day, but stay pretty surface level or make it mostly about others.

I recognize we all go through seasons spiritually, but I don’t think that's the case this time.  Over time I have unconsciously distanced myself from God… still showing up for coffee every day, but talking about the weather, what’s going on around me and avoiding what’s going on in me.  I know that God has always loved me even when I felt broken and unloveable. Why now, do I suddenly feel a need to be so put together?  Since when is His love conditional?  Won’t He love me more if I’m low maintenance?  Shouldn’t I be past these struggles of identity, rejection, self-reliance, anxiety?

I know all the answers to these questions.  In my head.  Time for a heart check I guess.  

So, I dig out a journal and I sit down next to the Christmas tree that seems to be drawing me in.  My pen pauses.  I struggle for words.  I release perfection.  I let go of expectation.  I breathe.  I write.  “I feel sad.  I talked to my dad tonight.  I miss him.  I miss my family so much.  It’s hard being so far away.  I feel lonely.  Why do I feel so lonely?  I feel guilty feeling these things God.  I have the best husband and kids, a beautiful home and an amazing life.  But these feelings are real… and I don’t want to stuff them.”

The more I wrote, the easier it was.  I didn’t find a solution.  In fact, I started writing about one burden and that led to another and to another… guess there’s lots stirring in there.  But what I did discover in the midst of facing it all, instead of running from it, was peace.  I sensed “Emmanuel”.  GOD WITH US.  As my tears dripped on the fresh ink of the journal pages I felt very NOT alone.  God met me there and tenderly reminded me to come, just as I am and to receive the love that I don’t deserve, but am worthy of, because of Jesus.

I have known for weeks that I wanted to write about Emmanuel, the greatest gift that we have and can share this Christmas.  I was planning to write from the perspective of looking out at this big hurting world, not the introspection from inside my hurting heart. But God is good.  And He has been working on me.  

And His word is true.  James 4:8 tells us “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you.”  And 1 Peter 5:7 says, “Cast all your cares on him, for he cares for you.”

This Christmas season I may not know what you or your loved ones are going through, but I do know Emmanuel.  Know that today, whatever burdens you are carrying, you don’t have to carry alone.  Cast your cares upon God.  Don’t hide or numb out, invite Him into the mess.  Draw near to Him.  The Bible tells us that when we call, He answers and when we seek Him with our whole hearts we will find Him.

I pray these words bring you one step closer to the gift of true peace…Emmanuel: God with us.